Expectation

 

Shakespeare had a remarkable understanding of the human condition. The idea that expectation is the root of all heartache is profoundly true. It's not because people are not living up to our expectations, it's the fact that we design what we want from others and they have no idea what we have orchestrated in our minds.

     There is nothing wrong with having the "big" expectations.They are different for everybody. I think it's important to communicate your expectations throughout the relationship, but most critically at the beginning of the relationship. When you talk and compare expectations you will have a pretty good idea if this person will be a good friend or a good partner. People are probably better at doing this in romantic relationships, but let's face it, we expect things from our friends too. I will keep this post focused on romantic relationships. Just think about having those discussions with the people in your life. It can be....enlightening.

     Ok, so you have just agreed on what you both expect. No heartache there.....not so fast. See, we are complex little creatures and what we want and expect can change. You may go into a relationship saying "I do not want anything serious." Your partner agrees and feels the same way. One day you wake up and develop feelings for that person that are far more serious than you intended. You begin to expect your partner to return those feelings. If they do, you are in luck, but if they don't you resent them for not living up to your expectations. Conversely you may have promised a large commitment and then your feelings change and you no longer want to be in that relationship. Your partner's heart will break when you tell them that you can't live up to those expectations. Expectations are a moving target that is really difficult for your partner to hit.

     The little expectations are another source of heartache. Those are the marriage killers. I can attest to that. There are so many of these that we place upon our partners and when they don't happen, it builds resentment. The resentment grows and drives a wedge between you. Are you coming home from a trip and expect your partner to pick you up from the airport? If your partner didn't and you take the Uber home are you resenting them all the way home? I bet you are. In the meantime your partner may be making you a nice dinner or doing something else to show you love. You are so angry about the airport, do you even notice? When I was in grad school my partner wanted more time from me and he didn't tell me. The entire time he resented me for not spending time with him. We didn't discuss it until well after the fact. The line that typically covers this is "Well you should have known." No. Your partner may not know what you are expecting. This is why communication is so critical. 

     I have the statement "no settling" in my dating profile. That implies expectations. Yes, but expectations about the qualities a person has, not the actions that person decides to take. My theory is that if you pick someone with the right qualities all those expectations won't matter. It doesn't matter if you like the same things. If you want to be with someone over time that person is going to change. Jobs will come and go. Hobbies will come and go. Hairstyles and clothing will change, but the core qualities that person possesses likely will not. Qualities are where you don't settle and you place your expectations high.   

     Let your partner be himself/herself. Your partner will be flawed and will not follow the script that you carefully may have written in your mind. If your partner doesn't do what you expect does that mean that your partner is flawed? Yes, we are all flawed. Your partner will say and do things that you don't think are correct. It is not your job to direct your partner's actions or to criticize your partner for not following the script. Let go of those ideas and the heartache will lift and your relationship will transcend the pettiness that can plague it.