The Wind

 

Photo by Mahkeo on Unsplash 

     I have been casually seeing someone since October. I recently asked him when he last was in love. He told me it was long ago. That really helped me understand why he hasn't been married, why his relationships end. All these women were in relationships with a man who didn't love them. Who would stay, knowing that? I quietly closed my heart to the possibility that love would ever grow there. I understood. 

     What we have is not planted in solid ground to grow. It is more like the wind. We feel the breeze blow across us, making us smile because it feels good. Teasing us with its transitory dance, it refuses to stay. We can not predict when it will come and go. We can enjoy the moment, but it is only a point in time. Wind turbines can capture the power of the wind, but I do not have that power. 

     I like this one. He's cute. He plays role-playing games and loves to cook. We share those interests and have done both of those things together. He likes to go out to explore the world. More importantly, he sees the world as I see it. We both want to make it better. He makes me think and he makes me laugh. He is generous with the most precious commodity we have, time. I would consider him a potential partner for a longer relationship. But...

     He makes me sad. He says that he doesn't mean to hurt me, but he does it all the time. Well, it's more like I interpret his comments the wrong way, This sensitive woman isn't fond of brutal honesty. I love honesty, but gentle honesty. Is that a thing? I wouldn't know. I either get lies or the type of honesty that cuts me so deeply that the blood won't spill out and pools inside of me.   

     I told him his kiss made me feel tingly (he is one of the probably 3 men in my city who know how to kiss, I already dated one, and the third is likely married or gay). He said mine was "pleasant" but he felt no tingles. Honest, and a real ego killer. 

     No matter, I still see him. I can't be upset that he merely finds me pleasant. If it's not there, then it's not there. I suppose it's good to know that going into this.

    When we were talking about love I said, "I wonder if I will ever find love again." Now I know he doesn't love me, and certainly don't love him. It was a hypothetical question, and I knew the answer would not be anything romantic, but I wasn't prepared for what I heard.

     "Well if you pay off your debt, lose the rest of your weight, and get your plastic surgery it might be easier." 

     He was referring to my weight loss after bariatric surgery and the tummy tuck I probably do need. I had mentioned it to him before.

      I said, "Well, maybe the other guys felt the same way, but had the tact not to say it and just moved along."He mentioned that HE was still seeing me and that he hadn't left like the other guys. I wasn't sure what to think of all of this. He was actually trying to help me out by telling me how to increase my value in the dating pool, but it hurt to know that he had come to these conclusions. 

     I dedicate a large portion of every day to meditation, and now yoga. I eat plant-based healthy food every day. I exercise regularly. I try to take care of the human that I am. I have so much to offer to the right person. I really do know that. I am frustrated by how easily my loving inner voice can be silenced by others. Is my value really diminished by my body? No, absolutely not, but...  

    When I whisper to myself that I am looking and feeling good, I will now hear his voice telling me what is wrong with me. Long after the wind storm passes, the inevitable question will remain, "What if he's right?"