I Don't Need Anyone
The divorce was just the beginning. Once I had the courage to move on from that, I moved on to other experiences. This is not easy to write. Writing this is exposing deeper feelings that I would normally keep to myself. The only reason that I do it is that I know out there may be someone who may need to hear this.
I have been reading a lot of Brene Brown. She speaks of being willing to step into the arena. I get that. When we are willing to open ourselves to others, we are made vulnerable. I think a point that she misses is that we step into the arena to win. If you lose every time, how willing are we to keep fighting?
When you spend a lifetime with someone, they know you well. My ex told me that I would be easily replaced and that I would have great difficulty finding connections for myself. At the time I laughed. I thought he was ridiculous. How could anyone resist charming me? Apparently, they all can.
I went on many dates with so many people this year. Each time I would bring hope and energy to the meeting. I was open-minded about what to expect. I realized that would vary each time, depending on the person. Nothing too serious because I just didn't want to get right back into the type of relationship that I had to fight my way out of. I went out with people different than I would normally go out with. I kept the possibilities open. I met some incredible people. It was an amazing time when every new meeting was an adventure. It energized me. It inspired me to do more of the other things in my life that I love to do.
The adventures all turned out the same way. Rejection. As I look at the empty spot at my dining room table for Thanksgiving, I realize that after meeting all of these amazing people, none stuck around to even share a meal with me for the holidays. Every single time they moved on.
The isolation is smothering. I love myself, but I seem to be alone in that assessment. At the end of the day, I am always alone. I am not allowed to wallow because I must stay positive. That typically comes from the people who have many connections in their lives. I'm sorry, it's pretty difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself when nobody wants to be around you for any length of time. I wasn't asking for much, and I got less than that.
After my big heartbreak earlier this year, I moved on. I mean that in a practical way. I deleted all traces of him so that I wouldn't reach out. I still managed to reach out by email and I and received "good luck, have a nice life." After a breakup, it is recommended that you avoid contact for 60 days. I am a few days short of that from my misguided attempt, so I am nearly there. My heart will be bandaged up, but the wound shall remain. I feel so deeply. Trying to connect with people tortures me.
It's the emptiness around me. It's the cry in the middle of the night "why?" There is no answer. I started asking that question as a little girl. There was no answer then either. I had to come up with my own answer, which was "just play by yourself, you don't need anyone."
I actually went to a cuddle night at a local yoga center to try and get human contact in a non-date setting. It was definitely challenging. I thought that it would be worth the risk because it was a healthy approach to vulnerability. It is time time to find my "tribe" to match my new life. Nobody wanted to cuddle me. 😢 After I ran out of there into the cold night, I realized that I have avoided contact much of my life. It's self-preservation. I recently opened up after my divorce, but now I am in pain all of the time. I just don't know how that's better. If I step into the arena day after day only to lose the possibility of love and friendship, it is demoralizing. I need some wins.
I asked the last guy, who was nice enough to have a dialog with me, for feedback. I hoped he would have the key to solve my lifelong quest to connect with others. He didn't. He said, "we just didn't connect." He said some nice things, they all do. Then they walk away and never look back.
The only solution I see right now is to distance myself from connecting for a while. The pain from trying to connect impacts my ability to function. I had several months this year where I stopped doing all of the things that were bringing me closer to my life goals. It's not worth it to me because I ended up alone plus having the added stress of a bunch of missed goals in other areas of my life. I do know that I am lovely inside and out. You are too. I think some people just have more trouble connecting than others. For me, this has been a lifelong challenge. I'm not giving up, just pressing pause. If you need to step out of the arena, as I do, to catch your breath it's okay. The arena will be there waiting each time you want to try. There is no shame in "just play by yourself, you don't need anyone."
Comments
Post a Comment